Becoming a little Lighter

Philosophy is in my blood. If you chat with me for 30 min I will atleast refer it 7 to 9 times or perhaps more. People  were puzzled, and even considered  me foolish /stupid and if the person was woman /gal she would go mad. Some people thought I would become sanaysi at one point of time. It has reached a point where for even I do not get a cup of tea I started referring philosophy which made people even more mad and this in turn made me mad. I tried to control it but I could not. As George Bernard had put it more eloquently “ Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman but believing what he read made him mad.” I guess I am Don Quixote in making.

I was brought up in a lower middle class Brahim family. Philosophy is everything for us. To get motivation I referred philosophy, to calm myself I referred philosophy, to get answered questions I referred philosophy, if my dad sends my brother out of the house since he did not make it into top 3 of the class I referred philosophy,  when as a class leader I reported about a student who misbehaved in the class he broke down my cycle so that I can walk 3 kms to my house I referred philosophy, when I had taken a decision to cycle 21 kms daily for 2 yrs just to make my mother happy I referred to philosophy, when I missed my dreams /goals I referred philosophy and eventually it became a part of me and finally a way of life.

Last 6 months have been really a mind shattering and nerve breaking phase of my life not because I have participated in F1 race or in any fast roller coaster ride but because I have experienced things in another reality than it had known to me. At one stage I even went to slight depression. I am not able to connect with myself at any stage with what ever I do. I found emptiness in each and every thing I did and whatever goals I achieved. The new reality showed me everything is empty. Seriously yaar after doing a Bungy Jump from a height of 160 mts I still found damn emptiness. I feel like there is something missing in me may be a spark in my smile or twinkle in my eye or something else. It clearly appears to me when I look my face in the mirror or in any photograph. I do not know what it is but I am searching for it my whole life. Had a chat with lot of people ,googled sometimes but of no use.

When I drilled downed I realized I am very much a vulnerable man especially when it comes to relationships. I am afraid to lose myself. When I thought of giving it a try with a gal whom I got engaged, the engagement itself died before I opened up completely and let the gal come in. The whole experience reinforced my fear regarding relationships. Till this fear exists I cannot overcome the big wave, after which I can sail on a ocean without hazards.

With all these concurrent thoughts running in my head consciously and subconsciously,talking with myself has also became very difficult in last 2 months.Think about talking with friends / unconnectable relatives. Close friends understood and rest seems to be puzzled and baffled. Some advised me to talk properly.

As the adage goes “ When student is ready, Master appears.” I came across a book  “SIDDHARTHA” by Hermann Hesse. The book is about a man who wants to find the nuisances about life and his journey through out. There are some striking insights in the book  which actually quietly relieved me to a great extent. I am sharing some insights here:

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     That in all the searching,you don’t find the time for finding. Searching  means :having a goal but finding       means : Being Free ,being Open ,having no goal.

·      The opposite of every truth is just as true.

·      Everything is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with words, it’s all one-sided, all just one half, all lacks completeness, roundness, oneness. When the exalted Gotama spoke in his teachings of the world, he had to divide it into Samsara and Nirvana, into deception and truth, into suffering and salvation. It cannot be done differently, there is no other way for him who wants to teach. But the world itself, what exists around us and inside of us, is never one-sided. A person is never entirely holy or entirely sinful. It does really seem like this, because we are subject to deception, as if time was something real. And if time is not real, then the gap which seems to be between the world and the eternity, between suffering and blissfulness, between evil and good, is also a deception.

  Coming to know that I have no point to search for anything itself has removed huge burden on me. I am feeling very light now. Now the following song made much more sense to me :

PS:  I might sound foolish or stupid, that is the problem with words. Knowledge can be conveyed/shared using words but Wisdom cannot be put down with words.

PPS: I  promised myself that I will try to behave like a normal person from now on.