Vunerability

Warning # Emotional vomit ahead.

3 months ago #

I started noticing that my interactions with my father as well as strangers were coming down. I could not able to engage them more than 10 min. The disengaging habit even got spread to the interactions with the girls I took on dates and to the interactions at the generic social gatherings. It's a horrible thing to happen.I was startled. I don't know why I was getting disengaged all of a sudden. May be I did not notice it.

I started doing research and reading books about engagement in interactions. I put all the symptoms in order and found that I was having issues with vulnerability. It existed since my childhood. It turned out to be shame and guilt. I did not realize it affected me in every possible way. It stopped me from expressing myself, to build better relationships, to let go and to be confident.

Before I elaborate more on that, I want to define Vulnerability: Its a state of being afraid of being judged when we expose our self physically, emotionally, socially and psychologically. It stops you from being authentic to yourself and your feelings.

I met a therapist to find out about the root cause of the vulnerability issue. During this process I surfaced so many unspoken and suppressed feelings:


afraid to say " I love you to my father"
afraid to approach a girl and say " I like you" or compliment a girl
afraid to say "Thank you to a close friend"
afraid to say Good job to myself
afraid to have express an opinion about something
afraid to question something or someone.
afraid to say I do not like this or that.
afraid to say " I failed in doing something."

afraid of being center of attraction
afraid of being not a good person

afraid of being uncomfortable
afraid of showing who I am
and list of afraid goes on...

Beyond those suppressed feelings I saw the real ME: trembling, shivering, and waiting to be found. I hugged him.

Vulnerability issue bothered me since childhood. I let that live with me and now it has become a monster stopping me from being authentic.The moment I encountered the real me, I felt like " Holy ... cow.. why didn't I see it earlier." Its the awakening moment. I was frustrated that I have been in a blind spot for such a long time.

Present # 

After spending time with therapist and reading Daring Greatly (I strongly recommend this book), I learnt that Vulnerability is source of creativity, connection and whole heartedness.

Making yourself vulnerable doesn’t just mean being willing to share your fears or insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, joining a party with people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to marry her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. In this way, vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power.


Interesting thing was that I saw vulnerability as courage in other people but I saw vulnerability as weakness in myself.

The moment I saw Vulnerability as courage within me, it changed everything. My interactions grew, people started valuing my opinions and I drew more respect. More importantly, I became more authentic to myself and my feelings.

#Peace.